It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.
-Jack Handy
^
A few well chosen words with a loved one are better than the picture that comes with the frame, even if the picture is of Olivia Newton John.
-Balki, Perfect Strangers
^
"Are you the police?"
"No Ma'am. We're Musicians"
-Elwood Blues, The Blues Brothers
^
"Good pitching will beat good hitting any day. And vice-versa."
-Yogi Berra
^
Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in the car?
It took him four hours to get the bass player out.
^
Hickory, Dickory, Dock,
Three mice ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
and the other two got away with minor injuries.
^
First Hillary, then Gennifer, now us.
^
COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods.
^
Bus error: passengers dumped.
^
One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
^
"I'm a Leo. Leos don't believe in this astrology stuff."
-Tom Neff
^
"No problem is too big it can't be run away from."
-Linus
^
"If we do not succeed, then we face the risk of failure."
-Dan Quayle
^
"Aging is bad, but consider the alternative."
-Anonymous
^
You know my motto: Forgive and uh... the other thing.
^
'Oh boy, virtual memory! Now I'm gonna make myself a REALLY BIG ram disk!"
-lennox@shire.hw.stratus.com
^
The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with an idea.
^
Those who can do, those who can't teach, and those who can't teach administrate.
^
Engineering majors say, "How does it work?",
CS majors say, "How can it work faster?",
Business majors say, "When will it work?",
Liberal Art's majors say, "Would you like fries with that?"
^
God is real unless declared integer.
^
"Mom, can I set fire to my bed mattress?"
"No Calvin"
"Can I ride my tricycle on the roof?"
"No Calvin"
"Then can I have a cookie?"
"No Calvin"
("She's on to me.")
^
C++ - The language in which only friends can access your private members.
^
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and BSD UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
^
There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword.
-Benjamin Dana
^
OLTIONS'S COMPLETE, UNABRIDGED HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE
Bang! ...crumble.
^
"It was revealed this week that the Contras are breaking up, because one of them is dating Yoko."
-Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
^
"They're filming Rocky V now. This one's being billed as 'Rocky's Greatest Challenge', so I guess there's an IQ test involved."
-Jay Leno
^
Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the ones in movies.
-Bill Bulko
^
MS-DOS isn't dead, it just smells that way.
-Henry Spencer
^
If at first you don't succeed, you are running about average.
-Bill Cosby
^
Seen in TV Guide, describing a Star Trek episode:
'Mr. Spock succumbs to a powerful mating urge and nearly kills Captain Kirk.'
^
When anyone says 'theoretically.' they really mean 'not really.'
-David Parnas
^
I like having a machine called 'elvis' on the network because that way, I can say 'ping elvis' and have it come back with 'elvis is alive'.
^
We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.
-Dave Barry
^
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
^
Recursive, adj.; see Recursive
^
'They told me I was gullible...and I BELIEVED them!'
^
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" but "That's funny..."
-Isaac Asimov
^
I know you're supposed to take life one day at a time, but lately several days have attacked me at once.
^
We have the most thorough test guy in the world. I showed him this program and he asked, "but Rob, what if time runs backwards?"
^
'My Country right or wrong' is like saying 'My Mother drunk or sober'
-G.K. Chesterton
^
It is a sobering thought, for example that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.
-Tom Lehrer
^
'Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away'
-Philip K. Dick
^
'Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do.'
-Bertrand Russell
^
Puritanism- The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
^
'Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons!'
-THE SIMPSONS
^
'Albert, stop telling God what to do.'
-Niels Bohr
^
"make lot's of money", "enjoy work", "operate within the law":
choose 2
-Brian Anderson
^
"NOBODY goes to that restaurant anoymore because it is too crowded."
-Yogi Berra
^
"Yeah, it gets late early out there."
-Yogi Berra (Speaking about left field's shadows)
^
Mantle: What time it is?
Yogi: You mean right now?
^
Reporter: Yogi, you look cool today...
Yogi: Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself...
^
It ain't over 'till it's over...
-Yogi Berra
^
It's like Deja Vu all over again...
-Yogi Berra
^
Gentlemen, start your taps.
-Norm Peterson
^
Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
Norm: Like it caught me in bed with its wife.
^
Coach: How's life, Norm?
Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach.
^
Coach: How's it going, Norm?
Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.
^
Sam: What's new, Norm?
Norm: Most of my wife.
^
Coach: Beer, Norm?
Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it.
^
Coach: What's doing, Norm?
Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen to be the guinea pig.
^
Coach: What's up, Norm?
Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach.
^
Norm: Afternoon, everybody.
All: NORM!
Cliff: Afternoon, everybody.
All: [silence]
^
Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Never been better, Woody...Just once I'd like to be better.
^
Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
^
Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody?
Woody: For a beer?
Norm: No, for stupid questions.
^
'How are you Mr. Peterson?'
'Yeah..as if you care.'
^
Doh!
-Homer Simpson
^
"Would you like an ashtray?"
"No, I don't smoke; Disgusting habit."
-Ace Ventura
^
"Rug-man! It's been a few millennia. Slap me some tassel!"
-Genie, Aladdin (1992)
^
I'm so rich, I wish I had a dime for every dime I had.
-Auhur Bach.
^
"You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. ... Why do you find that funny?"
- D. Taylor
^
"We'll call it S for cyclic."
-Dr. Gord Sinnamon, Mathematics
^
"On Oprah Winfrey's income: $83 million? Oprah and I do basically the same thing. Stand in front of people and abuse them."
-Unknown Physics Prof.
^
There are a lot of reasons to skydive. It does take your mind off of your problems.
^
Let's assume the semester's over, so dying is a bad thing.
^
A college professor is someone smart enough to get a Ph.D., but too crazy to make a living.
^
You watch a talk show recently? They're doing one next month on a normal, happy heterosexual couple, assuming they can find one.
^
"I am running...with scissors!"
-Frasier Crane
^
"Gee, that sounds like a dead rock star turning over in his grave to me."
-Dave Letterman
^
What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a Harley Davidson?
With the vaccum cleaner, the dirt bag is on the inside.
^
What's the difference between a BMW and a cactus?
With a cactus, the pricks are on the outside.
^
35% of all statistics are completely useless.
^
If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they still wouldn't reach a conclusion.
^
MEDICINE AND SURGERY FOR LAWYERS
By: A.J. Buzzard
^
"I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a discrace, that two are called a lawfirm, and that three or more become a congress."
-John Adams
^
Disclaimer: I used to be sane, but I got better.
^
Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage.
-Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post
^
It's not whether you win or lose,
It's whether *I* win or lose.
^
"Do you surrender?"
"I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO FIGHT!"
"Yeah, we noticed. That's why we asked."
^
Former jockey Willie Shoemaker, paralyzed in a single-car accident he had while driving drunk, has sued the state of California for negligence because there were no rubber guardrails where the crash occurred.
^
Q: How man Psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One - But the lightbulb has to really WANT to change.
^
Send Steve some email!
(brettsch@ucunix.san.uc.edu.)
^
Were on a mission from God.
-Elwood Blues
^
If you feel you're getting anywhere, you're on the wrong track.
--The Boo Hoo Bible
^
If you don't gamble, you'll never win
--Bukowski
^
You can cage a tiger, but you're never sure he's broken. Men are
easier.
--Bukowski
^
An intellectual is a man who says a simple thing in a difficult way;
an artist is a man who says a difficult thing in a simple way.
--Bukowski
^
The Ranger isn't going to like this, Yogi
^
Take two, they're small.
^
If they don't want us to drink and drive,
why do you have to have a driver's license to buy beer?
^
"Man is ignorant of the nature of his own being and powers. Even his idea of
his limitations is based on experience of the past. There is therefore no
reason to assign theoretical limits to what he may be, or what he may do."
--Aleister Crowley, "Magick"
^
"I can handle reality in small doses, but as a lifestyle it's much too confining."
-- Lily Tomlin
^
"Duct tape is like the force: it has a light side, and a dark side, and
it binds the universe together."
--Carl Zwanzig
^
"The world is coming to an end. Please log off."
--Bob Irwin
^
"The tide is turning... the enemy is suffering terrible losses"
